All's Fair In Love And Lust
by Epic Breadstick
Summary: The unfortunate, often humorous incidents following the infamous love triangle. Bella sucks. Mainly Jakeward. Lots of sex. M for explicitness.


**lolololol**

**

* * *

**

Edward leaned against the door frame, staring out at the fading horizon. In the distance he heard a wolf howl, and his heart clenched.

"Edward?" Bella said, in a sickeningly sweet voice, from inside.

Edward sighed, looking down at his clasped hands, his eyes landing on the ring on his finger. The anchor to his sanity, the only thing keeping him from drastic actions…

"Yes, love?" He somehow choked out. That word has long since been renewed, only not where one would expect.

"Could you change the channel? I can't reach the remote…" Bella said from the armchair. Her feet were outstretched on the coffee table [it pained Edward to see her muddy Vans on his brand new Oak living room set] and beside her feet was the remote control.

As he walked into the living room, he tried his best to keep his eyes off of Bella. Every time he looked at her, he felt the distinctly human urge to throw up. Something he hasn't felt in a hundred-odd years. Past the chair she came into view.

Being in her 20's, some would consider this rather late to have acne. Edward supposed she was a late bloomer. He really wished Alice could foresee this beforehand. Not that Edward was shallow or anything…

Her sweater was a size – okay, a couple sizes – too small, the bottom rolls of her belly exposed and hanging over the belt of her jeans. Edward wished Alice could foresee this, also: Bella's newfound obsession with humanity now that she and Edward consummated their love – years ago, mind you – that she had completely let herself go. She was an ardent believer that Edwards love for her was infallible, that looks were of mere unimportance. Well, Bella, Edward thought, love only goes so far…

"What would you like to watch?" He asked upon picking up the remote. The potent odor of her sneakers wafted into his extremely sensitive nostrils, literally making his eyes water. When he received no answer, he looked over at the chair to see Bella's head slumped on her shoulder, saliva bubbling from the corners of her mouth with every snore.

Un-fucking-believable.

He flipped the channel randomly, settling with the food network, and dumped the remote back onto the couch. As he was exiting the room, a muddy Van bounced off of his 'pallid, incandescent bicep'.

"What are you trying to say, Edward?" Bella asked, gesturing towards the TV.

Edward sighed. "Bella, love, apple of my eye, lamp in the living room of my life…How could I ever insult such a beauty as yourself? I merely figured you'd like a few new recipes for Charlie, perhaps some friends from work…"

Edward caressed the skin between her budding pimples. Bella's face softened immediately. Oh, how easily swayed the heart of a woman was…

"Oh, Edward…" She cooed, leaning into his touch. She didn't notice when he pulled back slightly. "Would you make me a sandwich?" She asked, eyes still closed.

Edward walked out of the room, shoulders uncharacteristically slumped.

He should have gone through with the whole Volturi fiasco when he had the chance…

* * *

"Now, Bella? Don't you…don't you have to study?" Edward said, backing up, hands raised defensively. "Please? Don't you have to study?"

Bella shook her head, glaring up at him through her lashes in what was supposed to be a seductive manner. "You're mine all night…" She cooed.

Edward's gag reflex reacted immediately. Bella grabbed his arms, pushed him back on the bed and mounted him. Usually Edward could overpower her so easily it was ridiculous, but he knew if he didn't get it over with, she'd never stop…

* * *

_I was just raped. _Edward thought as he lay in bed afterward. Bella was snoring next to him, the blankets kicked off, revealing her new-found curves in all the wrong places…Edward reached over and pulled the sheet over her head.

He wanted so desperately to leave her, so bad to be free and re-virginized. But, Bella meant quite a bit to Jacob. And Jacob meant quite a bit to Edward. So if staying with Bella meant keeping Jacob happy and in his life, by God he was willing to tough it out. Until Bella dies, of course.

* * *

When Edward was positive Bella was out cold for the night, he slid the Nyquil bottle back into the drawer and stood from the bed. With superhuman speed, he was dressed, had his hair combed and was on the way to Jacobs faster than you can say, 'I have a chubby'. Something Bella couldn't seem to satisfy. Shocker.

He wore some of the clothes Jacob had left at his place in a futile attempt to mask his vampire stench. The treaty was nearly nonexistent since the two supernatural species banded together against The Firecrotch, but werewolves couldn't always help the instinctive animosity towards vampires, and though they didn't act on it, Edward didn't like the dirty looks. It was a drastic change from always being marveled at. It made him self conscious.

Only moments later, Edward was pulling up in front of Jacobs little shack. It was about the size of Edward's bathroom but he was willing to look past that.

Stepping from the car, Jacobs smell invaded his sensitive nostrils, and Edward very nearly groaned. Just a second later Edward was at Jacob's window, which was already open, and from the outside Edward saw Jacob's broad shoulders at his desk.

Jacob nearly jumped from his skin at the cold, unexpected fingers brushing against his neck.

"Hello." Edward cooed, standing behind Jacob.

"Uh, h-hi." Jacob said, hurriedly shoving the papers on his desk into the drawer.

"What is that you're working on?" Edward wondered.

"Don't worry about it." Jacob said dismissively. He wasn't ready to show Edward his erotic romance novel just yet. He stood from his desk to face Edward. He was only a couple inches taller than him, but Edward's hair compensated. "How'd you manage to escape Bella?" He asked with a chuckle.

"The wonders of modern medicine." Edward said with a wink, sliding from his jacket. Jacob reached for his shirt on the bed, but Edward seized his wrists roughly. Jacob couldn't seem to get used to his icy touch. It gave him chills. "I don't think that's necessary." Edward said, his voice raspy with desire.

Jacob gulped. It felt like a lightning bolt struck the tip of his penis.

"I don't think," Edward continued, releasing Jacob's wrist, and instead gripping his belt buckle. "these are necessary either." In one fluid movement, Edward's slender fingers had Jacobs belt removed and his jeans at his ankles.

Edward's eyebrows raised at Jacobs lack of underwear. "Going commando?"

Jacob smiled sheepishly. "I like the, uh," He cleared his throat. "I like the draft."

Edward chuckled. "Less work for me, though I can't decide if it's a good thing."

Before Jacob could respond, Edward gripped his shaft rather tightly, evoking a primitive gasp from Jacob, who was suddenly at attention. Jacob had to grip Edward's shoulders for support, squeezing tighter and tighter as Edwards hand quickened it's pace.

"It's - not - going to take - very long." Jacob managed to gasp, wanting to make it last but at the same time unable to stop.

Edward's hand paused, much to Jacob's dismay. "It's been a while, I know. For that, I apologize. Bella has had some time off work and school, curse the holidays…" He muttered.

"Well," Jacob said with a smile. "I guess we'll just have to get straight to the point."

With his primal strength breaking the surface, Jacob pulled Edward off of his knees, spun him around and bent him over the bed frame. Edward's chuckles morphed into gasps as Jacob practically tore his trousers off, his hands trailing up his thighs.

He didn't waste any time. He eased Edward open and slid himself right in, as far as Edward would initially allow. Edward nearly cried out at the foremost pain, before he adjusted around Jacob's size. He moved in rhythm with the werewolves thrusts, the bed slamming against the wall.

Jacob had one hand in Edwards hair, his other reached around his front, vigorously pumping away at his penis.

"Agh…so close…" Edward grumbled into the bed sheets. This only provoked Jacob to pump faster, thrust harder.

So lost in the moment, so close to completion, neither of their supernatural senses could detect the opening of Jacob's bedroom door. Only minutes later did Jacob sense somebody behind them, and he looked over his shoulder to see Billy, in all his paraplegic glory, staring with his mouth agape and his hand clenching his chest. Jacob's ass was practically in his face, since he was the size of a midget in his wheelchair. This wasn't the way Jacob planned on coming out about his imprint. Yet, this unexpected turn of events didn't exactly compel him to stop pounding Edward into bliss.

"I'm…I'm…" Edward mumbled.

"We have a visitor…" Jacob said quietly.

"Coming!" Edward exclaimed at the same time, just as he swiveled to see who was there.

Unfortunately, the distance between Jacobs bed and bedroom door is miniscule. Billy's mouth was open in shock, which wasn't the best idea when Edward spun around as he climaxed, effectively giving Billy the first, and surely not the last, facial of his life.

* * *

**lololol**


End file.
